Riding the Waves of Uncertainty

Yesterday my employer informed us that our company has been purchased by a multi-billion dollar corporation.  This news wasn't entirely unexpected but I think most of us had hoped we would be picked up by another investment group who would allow us to continue along our current business model.   Our manager admits he doesn't know what exactly this will mean for each individual, but there will be some duplication of positions that will need to be eliminated as the merger between "them" and "us" occurs over the next three to 12 months.  My colleague and I are not optimistic about our lot for several reasons.  However, we will heed the advice of management and keep our noses down and our attitudes positive.

I work for a relatively small home infusion pharmacy that has made some steady strides in growth over the past two years.  I've enjoyed being part of a company it's size - not too big, not too small.  I've had the opportunity to work on cases with employees at many different branches and across many disciplines.  Many of the employees have been with company for a long time.  I suspect the feel will not be the same under the new ownership.

On a positive note, if I am retained, the new company is said to have great benefits.  Oh, wait.  I don't qualify for those benefits as I am a per diem employee.  In fact, if I am laid off, I don't think I will even qualify for the rumored severance package.  Given my health and the fact that I have three young-ish kids at home, I have chosen to work part-time.  The only problem these days with part-time work in the healthcare field is employers tend to consider part-time as working 32hours per week.  Yup, four 8-hour days.  Those of us wanting to work a little less, even though we hold a regular schedule, are relegated to per diem employment.  The pros: I set my own hours and only have to commit to work a minimum number of hours per pay period.  The cons: no health benefits, no retirement benefits, and probably no right to a severance package.  It's been a fair trade, I suppose, given the circumstances of the past three years.

It's only been 24 hours since getting the news, but I've been sitting with my feelings and considering the possible scenarios.  If I am retained by Big Brother, there is the possibility it will be with the caveat that I work more hours - or fewer.  I really don't want to do either.  I work about 20 hours a week now and that is perfect.  I may be required to do more work out "in the field".  I admit I have missed face-to-face patient and customer contact tremendously in this position but, given the unpredictable nature of my health from one day to the next, it has been a relief knowing I only have to show up to my quiet, nearby office on work days.  My communication with others is limited to a few office staff and phone contact with patients.  If I am required to spend more time in my car or in the field, I am not sure I can do that reliably.  I know I cannot.  Driving itself isn't always the problem, it's stopping.  Or rather, on a bad-ish day, the sensation that I am still driving long after I am not.  During those times I tend to walk around looking and feeling disoriented.  Then there's the brain fog...

On the other hand, I could be let go.  Unemployed.  God, I love working!  I fear staying home all day, every day.  I've done this and I almost lost my mind.  As much as I admit I am a homebody, I am not mentally equipped to maintain a healthy psyche without outside stimulation.  Yet, as everyone in the Meniere's world will understand, the thought of looking for and starting a new job can be just enough stress to send one into a downward spiral - pun intended.  I cannot imagine having the energy required to be "on" during training sessions and meeting and becoming acquainted with a whole new group of people.  I just cycled through a bad week with lots of dizzies and exhaustion.  I managed to get to work every day, but only because I can do my job with my eyes closed - sometimes literally.

This news has bummed me out in another way, too.  Before Meniere's, I might have been excited about new prospects.  I like a challenge and I enjoy the process of growing personally and professionally.  But Meniere's now significantly limits my enthusiasm to do new things.  I spend an awful lot of my energy fighting my negative emotions.  I have to be mindful.  I have to give myself a lot of positive self-talk just to maintain my status quo.

Ironically, I was recently invited to sit on the board of the local chapter of people-who-do-what-I-do.  My first meeting is tomorrow night.  I will take this as an opportunity to network and put my feelers out for anything I might be able to do should I find myself unemployed sometime in the near future.  I will try to keep an open mind and a positive attitude.  Best case scenario will be that I can stay in my current position with the same general hours and expectations.  But only time will tell and I have to be prepared for anything.

Quote of the Day

“Anger always comes from frustrated expectations.” -Elliott Larson

This was the subject of a post today at Tiny Buddha.  It came along in a timely manner as I woke up with significant brain fog this morning.  Today my head just doesn't feel at all attached to my body and just for kicks, I guess, Mr. M throws in a minispin here and there to needle me even more.

I started the day disappointed and a little frustrated.  But as the hours went on and I muddled through some housework, I reminded myself that this will pass in a day or two and better days will come.  I also reminded myself that I am vertical and, by all outward appearances anyway, am functioning.

So I lowered my expectations for the day and am now floating through the day in relative peace.

The Versatile Blogger Award

I am humbled by my friend, a fellow blogger, Wendy who writes over at Picnic With Ants for nominating me for this award.  I am even a little embarrassed as I have not posted anything here for, let's see, exactly two months!  Bad blogger!  Bad!  No, really, this is good news as I have just been too busy to sit down and write.  As someone with a chronic, and sometimes debilitating, disease, being too busy to do something is a very good sign.

So to honor Wendy's kind mention of my desire to lift up others who suffer from Meniere's disease, or any other chronic condition for that matter, through my blog, I have set aside some time to post 7 things you may not know about me and 5 deserving (IMHO) bloggers.

Seven Things You Probably Don't Know About Me:

1. I was born in Los Angeles, but grew up in Northern Idaho.  As a young adult, I returned to Southern California and met my husband shortly thereafter.  We have since lived in every county in So Cal from Santa Barbara on down to the Mexican Border, with a year each in San Jose and Monterey thrown in.  I've lost track, but I think we have moved upwards of 20 times since meeting.  And, no, we are not in the military.

2. I know a Nobel Prize winner.  My husband worked with Kary Mullis, the man who developed the technique for DNA fingerprinting, at a small start-up bio tech company about 15 hears ago.  I believe one of the first big cases in which this technique was used was the OJ Simpson trial.  Very interesting guy!  Kary, not OJ.

3. Even though I have lived within an hour's drive of either the Canadian or Mexican borders my entire life, I have never left the country.

4. Of my three children, the two youngest are twins.  No, they don't run in my family, I didn't take fertility drugs, and they are not identical - one is a boy and the other is a girl.  Yes, I have my hands full.  No, I am not brave.  And, yes, I feel like I won the lottery.

5. As a dietitian, I specialize in home nutrition support.  In other words, I work with people who for one reason or another cannot swallow or digest food the normal way, so must be on home tube- or I.V. feedings.  I love my job and about the only food advice I give to my patients is, when possible, to eat MORE fat and MORE calories.  I am not someone you want to ask for weight loss advice!

6. I got my driver's license when I was 14-years old.  That was the law in Idaho back in the day.  A scary thought looking back on it.

7. I am half Norwegian, a quarter Italian, an eighth Irish, and an eighth Cherokee.  I have very distinct physical and temperamental traits from each of these ethnic and racial backgrounds.

Five Deserving Bloggers:

I'm afraid I don't follow too many blogs.  I've checked out a few other Meniere's-related blogs.  Some, in my opinion, share unreliable and confusing information, but most just depress me and some downright frighten me.  I love Wendy's blog, though, as she doesn't whine and complain, at least not nearly as much as she's entitled to.  Rather, she is quick to find something positive in everything.  Despite all that Wendy goes through, she remains sharp as a tack and the artwork she shares is inspiring.  Anyway, here are a few blogs I like to read and why:

1. I enjoy reading Nicki's perspective at Fleetly Dreaming.  Nicki and I have a lot in common, but she has muddled through Meniere's much longer than I and has managed to have children, work (until relatively recently), and take life one day at a time, living it with grace and fortitude.

2.  For similar reasons, I like to read Faith, Hope, and a Fighting Spirit.  Deb also has unilateral Meniere's and manages to teach, as well as coach gymnastics - of all things!  I can't imagine being in a gym full of noise, watching people do flips and twirls.  Sometimes when I think I should just throw in the towel and file for disability, I think of Deb and think I can handle my quiet office job a little longer.  I especially appreciate her spirituality and the strength she seems to draw from it.

Now for some non-illness blogs I really enjoy reading:

3. Tiny Buddha.  While I am a Christian, I find a lot of practical wisdom in Buddhism and relate very much to the notion of being mindful of the present.  After all, that's all there ever really is.  When I remember that, I find tremendous peace in my circumstances.  One of my favorite sayings which happens to be from Buddhism is, "Suffering is the result of wanting things to be different than they are."  In my mind, there are no truer words.

4. I have to be transparent here: Jennifer is a close, dear friend of mine.  Her husband and mine have been the best of friends since high school.  Jennifer is one of the most creative writers I know.  Not that I know many.  None really.  But her writing style and subject matter never cease to entertain me.  Jennifer has published a series of children's books, tweens really, about a London squirrel in 18th century Williamsburg.  If you want to read something funny, witty, thought-provoking, and often off-the-wall, check Jen's blog out at Of Course, What Do I Know?

5. As someone who works in healthcare, as well as a person with a chronic, idiopathic, progressive condition, I find reading about healthcare from the perspective of the doctors very interesting.  That's why I like to read KevinMD.  The blogs are written by many different doctors and other healthcare providers and I find their honest, often fallible, admissions to be a reminder that they don't know all the answers.  They are people with doubts, opinions, insights, and questions about medicine and human nature just like the rest of us.  While I've seen many good points made here, I like that it reminds me that ultimately I am the one who is responsible for understanding my condition and how to treat it.

So, that's all for now.  I am hoping to post a little more regularly here in the coming year, simply to share the little things that, when we are feeling well, we take for granted - but shouldn't.  Though, realistically, there will probably be some bad days thrown in as that is what Meniere's disease likes to do to us: give us just enough freedom to regain some semblance of normalcy, then strip it away from us like a super-sticky Band-Aid being ripped mercilessly from a hairy piece of skin.  Gotta love it.

Allergy Testing, Day 2 and a New Ray of Hope

It was another early morning trip to Los Angeles today for the second round of testing for inhaled allergens, i.e. plants, animal & insect dander, and molds.  The drive went well both ways and, this time, no Check Engine light came on.  Whew!  I have to say that on the way home I was thinking how ironic it was that I had to drive into the bowels of the city, where the smog was just terrible today, for, of all things, inhaled allergens.  Doh.  My eyes, nose, and lungs are still burning.

The results of the testing so far are that I have a pretty significant allergy to cats and a moderate response to horses, grasses, sage, a few trees, cockroaches, feathers, dust mites, and two kinds of mold.  Dr. Derebery was surprised that I had cats and hadn't been feeling overtly allergic to them.  ))Shrug((

I had an opportunity to ask the doctor all of my questions and - surprise - they were all answered to my satisfaction.  It was nice to leave a doctor's appointment feeling satisfied.  I like her.

After going over my results, Dr. Derebery explained that allergies do not cause Meniere's disease.  She commented that there is a probable genetic link, which House Ear Institute is actively studying.  But, in the meantime, it is thought that untreated allergies are likely to contribute to inner ear inflammation and therefore worsen the symptoms of Meniere's disease.  For these, she prescribes allergy shots.  I asked her what the benefit of allergy shots are over using an OTC medication like Claritin.  She explained that most allergy meds don't reach the inner ear and that their mode of action is to block histamine, not to help the immune system become desensitized to the allergen(s) which is how allergy shots work.

While discussing the sensitivity to molds, Dr. Derebery commented that at House Ear Clinic they are implementing a new policy to instruct mold-sensitive individuals on a yeast-free diet.  Apparently, there is more and more evidence that there is cross-reactivity between yeast and mold allergens.  I will receive the diet instruction at my next appointment in two weeks, but, thanks to Google, I did a little reading and initially had the reaction of, "No way!" to the concept of a yeast-free diet.  But, after some deep breathing and more careful scrutiny, I realized that most of the websites are talking to people with chronic yeast infections.  In that case, avoiding yeast as well as sugar, caffeine, and a host of other foods is apparently recommended.  I don't think that will apply to me.  I hope not, anyway.  I think if that's the case, I can be patient and just wait for the allergy shots to work.

This brings me to the allergy shots.  I don't have all the details yet, but if I understood it correctly, I will have to take a shot a week for anywhere from 1 to 3 years.  Yes, years!  This is a big commitment.  But if it alleviated some of my symptoms, even by 50%, I'd be a happy camper.  Plus anything I can do that might be protective for my still (relatively) good ear, then I'm all in.  I have an appointment with my GP next week to discuss this with him, as the first six shots have to be given in a doctor's office and, clearly, I am not going to spend 5 hours a week in the car to get a shot.  After that, I have to find a nurse or either I and/or Phil will be trained to give the remaining shots.

In addition to the shots, Dr. Derebery recommended encasing our mattress and pillows in some of those special allergy covers, removing the dried sage branches from the living room, and, she agreed, getting the down sofa out of the house.  :-)

Next time: food allergy testing.  This should be interesting...