Very funny, Mr. M! I can't believe what you have put me through these past two years. A few weeks after that first whirling attack on April 1st, 2009 I learned I had MM and I just couldn't imagine that I would still be dealing with it 2 years later and, now I know, for the rest of my life. Granted today I am better, far better, than I have been in the past and for that I am utterly grateful.
But "it" never goes away, "it" is always there in the form of tinnitus, hearing loss, and periodic dizzies and currently significant brain fog. This is still surreal... And "it" never leaves my mind. Fear. Surrender. Fear. Sadness. Gratitude. Loss. Fear. Exhaustion.
Reinvigoration.
I understand exactly how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI'm still afraid every day if I feel the slightest bit dizzy, that I'm going to have an attack. Even though my dizziness may be because I'm hungry, or I've had too much sun while in the garden....like today. (I also have a horrible headache, I will wear a hat next time.)
I love the last word of you post.
Hope you are dizzy free!
wendy
I know it is hard, but try to not live in fear!! This is something that I have struggled with immensely since my diagnosis 6 years ago. Our ‘spells’ can be so bad, uncomfortable, exhausting, distressing and painful, how do we not fear them? I went through a phase when I would not, COULD not make plans, as I was sick so often it was pointless. During this phase I lived with a lot of fear.
ReplyDeleteI have learned to let go of the fear, and face everyday one at a time. I have learned to look to the future with hope, not dread. I have welcomed hope into my life, and feel all the better for it. Try to visualize yourself well, think about how you feel on good days, and focus on the positive elements in your life. Make plans, and even if you have to cancel them occasionally, so be it. Know that you will always have moments of weakness, fear and of course, sickness, but do not let these moments define you. Welcome the emotions of fear and sadness, give yourself a LITTLE BIT of time to express those negative emotions, and then let them go and invite the positive emotions in. With some work you will be able to let go of the fear… I promise. Hope that helps, even just a little.
Good luck & good health!!!
Katie
PS I also love the last word of your post!!
Hi Katie,
ReplyDeleteYou are so right! I swore from the very beginning I would not let MM rob me of anymore of my life than was absolutely necessary. So I just reinforced myself with support and continued to go out and live my life every minute - literally - that I could and I have no regrets.
Things are easier now in that I am vertigo-free for the time being thanks to gentamicin. But I know this can be fleeting, too. I don't feel fear most of the time, but it certainly sneaks into my mind once in awhile. When it does, I face it, embrace all the possibilities and reassure myself that no matter what I will be okay. And carry on...
Good health to you, too!
Peace,
Angelea